For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to Ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she Would go to Italy to secretly have the child..

If she stayed in Italy To raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child Turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.


To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, And Write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the Child Support payment to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'You received a very strange postcard today,' she said.

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he replied. The Wife obeyed.


And watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.


Source:: Funlok

Teacher : Which is the oldest animal in world?
Sardar : ZEBRA
Teacher : How?
Sardar : Bcoz it is Black & White
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* **

Judge : Don't U have shame? It is d 3rd time U R coming to court..
Sardar to judge : U R coming daily, don't U have shame?
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* **

Question : "Should Women have Children after 35?"
Smart Sardar Replied : "No!
35 Children R More than Enough!!"
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* **

Sardar attending an interview in Software Company.
Manager : Do U know MS Office?
Sardar : If U give me the address I will go there sir.
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *

Sardar in airplane going 2 Bombay .... While its landing he shouted: " Bombay
... Bombay "
Air hostess said : "B silent."
Sardar : "Ok.. Ombay. Ombay"
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *

Teacher: "What is common between JESUS, KRISHNA , RAM, GANDHI and BUDHA?"
Sardar: "All are born on government holidays...! !!
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* **

Sir : What is difference between Orange and Apple?
Sardar : Color of Orange is orange, but color of Apple is not APPLE

Lesson 4:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure , why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

Puff!  She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."

Puff! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story

Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129 It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
    The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
    Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel, "
    After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
    The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
    When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
    "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
    "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
    Moral of the story
     If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time,you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through --

So he prayed:

"Dear Lord:
I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.
I want her to know what I go through.
So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen!"

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
Awakened the kids,
Set out their school clothes,
Fed them breakfast,
Packed their lunches,
Drove them to school,
Came home and picked up the dry cleaning,
Took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit,
Went grocery shopping,
Then drove home to put away the groceries,
Paid the bills and balanced the check book.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
Then, it was already 01 P.M.

And he hurried to make the beds,
Do the laundry, vacuum,
Dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids
And got into an argument with them on the way home.
Set out milk and cookies
And got the kids organized to do their homework.
Then, set up the ironing board
And watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes
And washing vegetables for salad,
Breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper,
He cleaned the kitchen,
Ran the dishwasher,
Folded laundry,
Bathed the kids,
And put them to bed.
At 09 P.M .

He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished,
He went to bed where he was expected to make love,
Which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning,
He awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: -
'Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.
I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.
Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back. Amen!'

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
But You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night.'

It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers." "That's right!" the boy said,

"But, how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."

"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor storeowner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop off the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage. "Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more big taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"

With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

GOD created the DONKEY and told him, 'You will work tireless from sunrise up to sunset, carrying heavy bags on your back, you will eat grass. You will not have intelligence and you will live 50 years. You will be a DONKEY!'

The DONKEY answered, 'I will be a DONKEY, but living 50 years is too much, give me only 20 years!' and GOD gave him 20 years.

GOD created DOG and told him ' You will look after man's house, you will be his best friend, you will eat whatever they give you and you will live 25years, You will be a DOG!'

The DOG answered 'GOD, living 25 years is too much, give only 10 years!' and GOD gave him 10 years.

GOD created the MONKEY and told him, 'you will jump from branch to branch you will do silly things, you will be amusing and you will live 20 years, you will be a MONKEY!'

The MONKEY answered ' GOD, living 20 years is too much , give me only 10 years!' and GOD gave him 10 years.

Finally,

GOD created MAN and told him, 'you will be a MAN the only rational being on this earth and you will use your intelligence to control other animals, you will dominate the world and you will live for 20 years.

The MAN answered, GOD I will be a man but living 20 years is not enough, why don't you give me the 30 years that the DONKEY refused, the 15 years that the DOG didn't want and the 10 years that the MONKEY refused ?'

That was exactly what GOD did, and since then:

MAN lives 20 years like a MAN, then he gets married and spends 30 years like a DONKEY, working and carrying the load on his back. Then, when his children leave he spends 15 years like DOG looking after the house and eating whatever is given to him. Then he gets old, retires and spends 10 years like a MONKEY, jumping from house to house or from children to children, doing silly things to amuse his grandchildren!

I wrote your name on sand it got washed.

I wrote your name in air, it was blown away. Then

I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack.

******

God saw me hungry, he created pizza .

He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi .

He saw me in dark, he created light .

He saw me without problems, he created YOU.

******

Twinkle Twinkle little star

You should know what you are

And once you know what you are

Mental hospital is not so far.

******

The rain makes all things beautiful.

The grass and flowers too.

If rain makes all things beautiful

Why doesn't it rain on you?

******

Roses are red, Violets are blue

Monkeys like u should be kept in zoo.

Don't feel so angry you will find me there too

Not in cage but laughing at you.

******

Reaction from different countries:
************ **
U.S.A:
"A ship coming to Freedom was attacked by terrorists.
We will not sit quiet and we will teach them a lesson.
Bin Laden you can run but you cannot hide we will find you and destroy your Al-Qaeda network."
(President Bush........ whoelse?) 

************ **
U.K:
"I have spoken to the President of United States and we have both agreed that the sinking of Titanic is significant prove that Saddam Hussein is clearly behind this attack, Iraq is imposing a threat to the world and this has to be dealt with."
(Prime Minister Blair)
************ **
Iraq:
"LOL!!!" (President Saddam Hussain)
************ **
Israel:
"These Hamas and other terrorist network is enough evidence to say that sinking of Titanic is not an accident but it was their suicide bombers who have commited such a crime.
We will now impose curfew on the Palestinians, detain them, exile them, kill them, starve them, destroy their homes and refugee camps."
(Ariel Sharon....)
************ **

Canada:
"Titanic who?" (Canadian Prime Minister)
************ **
India:
"Is mein Pakistan ka haath hai. We have received passports of Pakistani extremists from the Titanic debris.
Pakistanis will have to pay for such horrendous act of terrorism. We are now deploying more soldiers to the border."
(Prime Minister Vajpayee)
************ **
Pakistan:
"Sind may Double Sawari per ghair muayyana muddat ke liye pabandi"
(President Musharraf)
************ **
UN:
"Shit happens right??"
(Sec.Gen. Kofi Annan)
************ **
Survivors:
"Uhh. Helllooo. Is anyone listening... it was an iceberg..hellloooooo."
************ **

Thank you for calling Jehovah/Allah/ and all the rest.

For English press 1

For Spanish press 2

For Arabic press 3

For all other languages  press 4

Please select one of the following options:

Press 1 for request

Press 2 for thanksgiving

Press 3 for complaints

Press 4 for Virgins website (mobile phones only)

Press 5 for all others

I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right now.  However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received.  Please stay on the line.

If you would like to speak to:

Jehovah (Jewish) press 1

Jehovah (RC) press 2

Jehovah (Anglican) press 3

Jehovah (OPD) press 4

Allah (Sunni) press 5

Allah (Shia) press 6

E-meter press 7

Other deities press 8

To find a loved one who has been assigned to Heaven/Paradise/ Nirvana/Sheol press 9, then enter his social security number followed by the $ sign.   If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial area code 666.

For reservations to Heaven/Nirvana/ Paradise/ Sheol, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers 3:16.

For answers to nagging questions about gods, dinosaurs, life and other planets, please wait until you arrive for the specifics.

Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please hang up and call again tomorrow.

The office is now closed to observe a religious holiday.

If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor/imam/ shaman/conman/witch doctor.

Thank you and have a nice day.

************

Doctor, the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.
"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."
The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on."
The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection, either."

Q: How come the Age of Miracles Ended?

A: That was the development phase of the project, now we are in the

   Maintenance phase.

**********

Q: Will there be another Universe after the Big Bang?

A: A lot of people are drawing things on the white board, but

   Personally, God doubts that it will ever be implemented.

**********

Q: Who is Satan?

A: Satan is an MIS director who takes credit for more powers than he

   Actually possesses, so people who aren't programmers are scared of

   Him.  God thinks of him as irritating but irrelevant.

**********

Q: What is the role of sinners?

A: Sinners are the people who find new an imaginative ways to mess up

   The system when God has made it idiot-proof.

**********

Q: Where will I go after I die?

A: Onto a DAT tape.

**********

Q: Will I be reincarnated?

A: Not unless there is a special need to recreate you.  And searching

   Those .tar files is a major hassle, so if there is a request for you,

   God will just say that the tape has been lost.

**********

Q: Am I unique and special in the universe?

A: There are over 10,000 major university and corporate sites running

   Exact duplicates of you in the present release version.

**********

Q: What is the purpose of the universe?

A: God created it because he values elegance and simplicity, but then

   The users and managers demanded he tack all this senseless stuff onto

   It and now everything is more complicated and expensive than ever.

**********

Q: If I pray to God, will he listen?

A: You can waste his time telling him what to do, or you can just get

   Off his back and let him program.

**********

Q: What is the one true religion?

A: All systems have their advantages and disadvantages, so just pick

   The one that best suits your needs and don't let anyone put you down.

**********

Q: How can I protect myself from evil?

A: Change your password every month and don't make it a name, a common

   Word, or a date like your birthday.

**********

Q: Some people claim they hear the voice of God.  Is this true?

A: They are much more likely to receive email.

**********

Q: Some people say God is Love.

A: That is not a question.  Please restate your query in the form of a

   Question.

   Abort, Retry, Fail?

**********

Some Important Theological Questions are Answered if we think of God as a Computer Programmer.

**********

Q: Does God control everything that happens in my life?

A: He could, if he used the debugger, but it's tedious to step through all those variables.

**********

Q: Why does God allow evil to happen?

A: God thought he eliminated evil in one of the earlier revs.

**********

Q: Does God know everything?

A: He likes to think so, but he is often amazed to find out what goes

   On in the overnite job.

**********

Q: What causes God to intervene in earthly affairs?

A: If an critical error occurs, the system pages him automatically and

   He logs on from home to try to bring it up.  Otherwise things can

   Wait until tomorrow.

**********

Q: Did God really create the world in seven days?

A: He did it in six days and nights while living on cola and candy

   Bars.  On the seventh day he went home and found out his girlfriend

   Had left him.

**********

Some times good service
Some times bad service
Some times no service
Some times Self service

During work, David and Michael were chatting:
David: Michael, I've been attending night classes for 5 months now and I have an exam next week.
Michael: oh!
David: For example, do you know who is Graham Bell?
Michael: No
David: He's the inventor of the phone in 1876; if you take night Courses you would know this.
The next day, the same discussion took place:
David: Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?
Michael: No
David: He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers", if you take night courses, you would know this.
The next day, once again:
David: And do you know who Jean Jacques Rousseau is?
Michael: No
David: He's the author of "Confessions", if you take night courses, you would know this.
This time, Michael got irritated and said: And you, do you know who is Wyatt?
David: No
Michael: He's the guy roaming with your wife!! If you stop night courses, you would know

Hu Jintao was named chief of the Communist Party in China.

SCENE: The Oval Office. George Bush and Condolezza Rice.

George: Condi! Nice to see you? What''s happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Let's hear it.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I''m asking you? Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu?

George: The Chinese?

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya?asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well,I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That''s the man's name.

George: That's whose name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes sir.

George: Yassir? You mean arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China.

Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. On the phone. I bet he knows.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And  then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: Call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N .?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: and stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N!

Condi: Kofi?

George: all right! Light with sugar. Now get on the phone.

(Condi picks up the phone.)

Condi: Rice here.

George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too.

********

An application was for employment

A program was a TV show

A cursor used profanity

And a keyboard was on a piano!

Memory was something that you lost with age

And a CD was a bank account

And if you had a corrupted disk

It would hurt when you found out!

Compress was what you did to garbage

Not something you did to a file

And if you unzipped anything in public

You'd be in jail for a while!

Log on was adding wood to a fire

A hard drive was a trip on the road

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And a backup happened to the commode!

Cutting, you did with a pocket knife,

Pasting, you did with glue.

The Web was where a spider lived

And a virus was the flu!

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist.
If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However,
If they fail, the institution will detain them for seven years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board overlooking an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.
"Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.
To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"