Knowledge Sharing Man

Thank you for calling Jehovah/Allah/ and all the rest.

For English press 1

For Spanish press 2

For Arabic press 3

For all other languages  press 4

Please select one of the following options:

Press 1 for request

Press 2 for thanksgiving

Press 3 for complaints

Press 4 for Virgins website (mobile phones only)

Press 5 for all others


I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right now.  However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received.  Please stay on the line.

If you would like to speak to:

Jehovah (Jewish) press 1

Jehovah (RC) press 2

Jehovah (Anglican) press 3

Jehovah (OPD) press 4

Allah (Sunni) press 5

Allah (Shia) press 6

E-meter press 7

Other deities press 8

To find a loved one who has been assigned to Heaven/Paradise/ Nirvana/Sheol press 9, then enter his social security number followed by the $ sign.   If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial area code 666.

For reservations to Heaven/Nirvana/ Paradise/ Sheol, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers 3:16.


For answers to nagging questions about gods, dinosaurs, life and other planets, please wait until you arrive for the specifics.

Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please hang up and call again tomorrow.

The office is now closed to observe a religious holiday.

If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor/imam/ shaman/conman/witch doctor.

Thank you and have a nice day.

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Knowledge Sharing Man

Doctor, the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.
"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."
The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on."
The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection, either."

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Knowledge Sharing Man

Q: How come the Age of Miracles Ended?

A: That was the development phase of the project, now we are in the

   Maintenance phase.

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Q: Will there be another Universe after the Big Bang?

A: A lot of people are drawing things on the white board, but

   Personally, God doubts that it will ever be implemented.

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Q: Who is Satan?

A: Satan is an MIS director who takes credit for more powers than he

   Actually possesses, so people who aren't programmers are scared of

   Him.  God thinks of him as irritating but irrelevant.

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Q: What is the role of sinners?

A: Sinners are the people who find new an imaginative ways to mess up

   The system when God has made it idiot-proof.

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Q: Where will I go after I die?

A: Onto a DAT tape.

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Q: Will I be reincarnated?

A: Not unless there is a special need to recreate you.  And searching

   Those .tar files is a major hassle, so if there is a request for you,

   God will just say that the tape has been lost.

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Q: Am I unique and special in the universe?

A: There are over 10,000 major university and corporate sites running

   Exact duplicates of you in the present release version.

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Q: What is the purpose of the universe?

A: God created it because he values elegance and simplicity, but then

   The users and managers demanded he tack all this senseless stuff onto

   It and now everything is more complicated and expensive than ever.

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Q: If I pray to God, will he listen?

A: You can waste his time telling him what to do, or you can just get

   Off his back and let him program.

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Q: What is the one true religion?

A: All systems have their advantages and disadvantages, so just pick

   The one that best suits your needs and don't let anyone put you down.

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Q: How can I protect myself from evil?

A: Change your password every month and don't make it a name, a common

   Word, or a date like your birthday.

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Q: Some people claim they hear the voice of God.  Is this true?

A: They are much more likely to receive email.

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Q: Some people say God is Love.

A: That is not a question.  Please restate your query in the form of a

   Question.

   Abort, Retry, Fail?

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Knowledge Sharing Man

Some Important Theological Questions are Answered if we think of God as a Computer Programmer.

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Q: Does God control everything that happens in my life?

A: He could, if he used the debugger, but it's tedious to step through all those variables.

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Q: Why does God allow evil to happen?

A: God thought he eliminated evil in one of the earlier revs.

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Q: Does God know everything?

A: He likes to think so, but he is often amazed to find out what goes

   On in the overnite job.

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Q: What causes God to intervene in earthly affairs?

A: If an critical error occurs, the system pages him automatically and

   He logs on from home to try to bring it up.  Otherwise things can

   Wait until tomorrow.

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Q: Did God really create the world in seven days?

A: He did it in six days and nights while living on cola and candy

   Bars.  On the seventh day he went home and found out his girlfriend

   Had left him.

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Knowledge Sharing Man

Fine

This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

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Five Minutes

If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour.

Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

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Nothing

This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".

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Go Ahead

This is a dare, not permission, DON'T DO IT!

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Loud Sigh

Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

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That's Okay

This is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

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Thanks

This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you. Do not question it, just say you're welcome and back out of the room slowly.

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Knowledge Sharing Man

Some times good service
Some times bad service
Some times no service
Some times Self service

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Knowledge Sharing Man

During work, David and Michael were chatting:
David: Michael, I've been attending night classes for 5 months now and I have an exam next week.
Michael: oh!
David: For example, do you know who is Graham Bell?
Michael: No
David: He's the inventor of the phone in 1876; if you take night Courses you would know this.
The next day, the same discussion took place:
David: Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?
Michael: No
David: He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers", if you take night courses, you would know this.
The next day, once again:
David: And do you know who Jean Jacques Rousseau is?
Michael: No
David: He's the author of "Confessions", if you take night courses, you would know this.
This time, Michael got irritated and said: And you, do you know who is Wyatt?
David: No
Michael: He's the guy roaming with your wife!! If you stop night courses, you would know

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Knowledge Sharing Man

Hu Jintao was named chief of the Communist Party in China.

SCENE: The Oval Office. George Bush and Condolezza Rice.

George: Condi! Nice to see you? What''s happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Let's hear it.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I''m asking you? Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu?

George: The Chinese?

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya?asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well,I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That''s the man's name.

George: That's whose name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes sir.

George: Yassir? You mean arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China.

Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. On the phone. I bet he knows.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And  then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: Call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N .?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: and stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N!

Condi: Kofi?

George: all right! Light with sugar. Now get on the phone.

(Condi picks up the phone.)

Condi: Rice here.

George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too.

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Knowledge Sharing Man

An application was for employment

A program was a TV show

A cursor used profanity

And a keyboard was on a piano!

Memory was something that you lost with age

And a CD was a bank account

And if you had a corrupted disk

It would hurt when you found out!

Compress was what you did to garbage

Not something you did to a file

And if you unzipped anything in public

You'd be in jail for a while!

Log on was adding wood to a fire

A hard drive was a trip on the road

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And a backup happened to the commode!

Cutting, you did with a pocket knife,

Pasting, you did with glue.

The Web was where a spider lived

And a virus was the flu!

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Knowledge Sharing Man

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist.
If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However,
If they fail, the institution will detain them for seven years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board overlooking an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.
"Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.
To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"

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Knowledge Sharing Man

OLD TITLES

NEW TITLES

Garden Boy Landscape Executive and Animal Nutritionist
House Maid Family Environs Upkeep Manager
Receptionist Front Office Manager/Office Access Control
Typist Printed Document Handler
Messenger Business Communications Conveyer
Window Cleaner Transparent Wall Technician
Temporary Teacher Associate Tutor
Tea Boy Refreshment Overseer
Garbage Collector Public Sanitation Technician
Watchman Theft Prevention and Surveillance Officer
Prostitute Practical Sexual Relations Officer
Thief Wealth Distribution Officer
Driver Automobile Propulsion Specialist
Maid Domestic Operations Specialist
Employee without Portfolio Administration Manager
Cook Food Preparation Officer
Unemployed Township Management
Gossiping Research Management
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Knowledge Sharing Man
To

Juliet
Grade 7.0 S.M



Sub: Offer of love!



Dearest Ms Juliet,



I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in Love with you since the 14th of October (Saturday).



With reference to the meeting held between us on the 13th of Oct. At 1500 hrs, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover.



Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent.



Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse.



The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses.



However I am broadminded enough to be taken care of, on your expense account.



I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else.



I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.



Wish you all the best!



Thanking you in anticipation,



Yours sincerely,
Romeo (HR Manager)



*********
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Knowledge Sharing Man
A man was praying to god.

He said, "God?"

God responded, "Yes?"

And the Guy said, "Can I ask a question?"

"Go right ahead", God said.

"God, what is a million years to you?"

God said, "A million years to me is only a second."

The man wondered.

Then he asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"

God said, "A million dollars to me is a penny."

So the man said, "God can I have a penny?"

And God cheerfully said,

"Sure!....... just a second."
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Knowledge Sharing Man

 

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Knowledge Sharing Man

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Knowledge Sharing Man

Jack and Max are walking from religious service. Jack wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.

Max replies, "Why don't you ask the Priest?"

So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I  smoke while I pray?"

The Priest replies, "No, my son, you  may not! That's utter disrespect to our religion."

Jack goes back to his friend and  tells him what the good Priest told him.

Max says, "I'm not  surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."

And so Max  goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I pray while I smoke?"

To which the Priest eagerly replies, "By all  means, my son. By all means. You can always pray whenever you want  to."

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Moral of the story is... The reply you get depends on the  question you ask.

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For example, if you want a vacation when still  working on a project don't ask for the holiday;

Ask: "Can I keep  working on this project while I'm on vacation?"

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Knowledge Sharing Man

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Knowledge Sharing Man

1. The later you come home the more excited your dogs are to see you.

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2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

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3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don`t hate it.

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4. Dogs don`t notice if you call them by another dog`s name.

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5. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

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6. A dog`s parents never visit.

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7. Dogs do not hate their bodies.

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8. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

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9. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.

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10. Dogs seldom outlive you.

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11. Dogs can`t talk.

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12. You never have to wait for a dog; they`re ready to go 24 hours a day.

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13. Dogs find you amusing when you`re drunk.

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14. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

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15. Another man will seldom steal your dog.

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16. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

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17. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

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18. A dog will let you put a studded collar and a leash on it without calling you a pervert.

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19. A dog won`t hold out on you to get a new car.

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20. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don`t get mad. They just think it`s interesting.

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21. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.

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22. Dogs don`t let magazine articles guide their lives.

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23. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.

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24. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

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25. Dogs are not allowed in Maceys, Bloomingdales or Neiman-Marcus.

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And, last but not least:

26. If a dog leaves, it won`t take half of your stuff.

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Knowledge Sharing Man

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Knowledge Sharing Man

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